It feels as though we have turned a corner recently with my son. I would say over the past year or so, we have seen him turn into a cranky and smart (albeit brilliant manipulator) TWEEN!
What is a Tween?
By definition, a tween is somewhere beTWEEN 8 and 12 years. With two 10 year olds (twins) in our house, we have definitely been feeling things change. There are certainly more arguments, but also some amazing new conversations that come with maturity. As a parent, it is so fun to watch your child grow, but man oh man, is it a CHALLENGE also.
“The “tween years” can be challenging for both children and their parents. Young adolescents are continuing to explore their community and world and beginning to develop unique identities separate from their parents.” (from Your Tween: 10- to 13-Year-Olds)
We have seen both our kids change so much. Even though the pandemic brought about some interesting challenges (thank you distance learning), we are getting back to a somewhat normal and in-person school schedule. They are re-discovering relationships from past years and making new ones. It is really fun to see.
“The tween years are also when kids begin to develop a true sense of self. They may go through many phases before they get to be the person they will be as an adult and it all begins as a tween.” (from Defining the Tween Years for Parents)
Pushing Boundaries
What has been the most eye opening (and frustrating) for me is the constant need for my son to push, push, PUSH the boundaries. I was surprised to learn (and reminded of toddler years) that pushing lots of boundaries usually means they are really making strides in their development! So buckle up, Mom and just try to wait it out?! While also standing firm in the boundaries that are really important.
“In most cases, the increase in attitude from tweens and teens can be attributed to… a developmental and subconscious need for children to test the limits of their power with parents and in doing so, get confirmation that parents will reliably hold their ground and keep their children safe.” (from Turning Down Tween Attitude)
As a mom, we have been the safety patrol from day one. Is that corner too sharp? Is that toy a choking hazard? Do I know where they are at all times? It has been really hard for me to realize that my kids (especially my son) are ready to stretch their wings and be more independent. Meanwhile, I’m still stuck keeping them in my safety zone at all costs. I have a comfort bubble of things and places where I know they are safe.
This was most apparent when my son wanted to go to our neighborhood playground, BY HIMSELF. It is only a couple blocks away and still within our safe community (no busy roads to cross along the way). But it is out of my safety zone comfort block. In my mind I have set a clear boundary, and my son needs to push it!
“Kids push boundaries because they’re doing what they were born to do.…When you follow through your kids learn they can trust you. They learn that you mean what you say and say what you mean. This trust helps your child feel relaxed and secure.” (from Why Kids Push Boundaries)
How to Deal with Change
I know that it is time for me to broaden my comfort circle and allow for more independence, but it is HARD. So here are some tips on what busy moms can do to stand firm on important boundaries and also loosen up on the squishier ones.
- Be Clear Beforehand – Set firm boundaries before an event happens. We can’t anticipate everything, but as best we can preemptively set consequences for breaking our important rules. For my son, this looked like, “If I find your tiktok account is not private again, your phone will be taken away for a month.”
- Follow Through – As hard as it might be and as hard as they may fight you, follow through on what you said. If you were clear in your boundary beforehand and it was clearly broken, you must follow through with the consequence.
- Re-evaluate – If there is a boundary or limit that you feel in your gut is ready to be re-evaluated, be open to taking a look. This doesn’t mean that you change the boundary or rule while your tween is fighting you on it. But I think it’s ok to say something like, “This is the rule right now. We will discuss adjusting the rule at a later appropriate time after we have evaluated all the facts.” For us, this opened the door to discussing how my son could show that he was more responsible before we allowed him more freedoms.
- Have Discussions – When everyone is in a calm state (parents included), have a discussion or family meeting about the rules. Open the floor to the kids’ input as well. Do they have rules they would like to calmly discuss or consequences they can suggest? Ultimately the parents have the final say, but having a mature discussion makes everyone feel a part of the decision and more willing to adhere to the outcome.
Allow Feelings
As kids grow up, rules need to be adjusted. It is a hard process to loosen the reigns, especially when we are busy shuffling to activities, making meals, and getting homework done. Give yourself some self care and some breathing room. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel. Let the kids feel whatever they feel as well and then talk about it!
Turning a Corner
For whatever reason, we have come out the other side of what feels like a tunnel. I’m sure there is another curve coming up, but I can say that something feels clearer. Our recent hard work in standing firm with boundaries and consequences has paid off. My son is more willing to comply with rules and boundaries… for now! He knows that we are willing to look at adjusting things that are really important to him and I think that is building trust on both sides.
I’d love to hear how the tween years are going in your household. What tips have you learned and could share with the rest of us? Comment below!
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Such sound advice! Love the discussion part. Kids love to assert their independence. Parents want to keep everyone safe. When tweens know why rules are in place, how it is helping them, then they can better become contributing, functioning members of society! Thanks for the info!